As many of you know, I was in an abusive relationship for 9 years and it caused me untold damage. As my friends will testify, I am not a weak man and from the outside it's a bit hard for people to recognize what's really going on (even my own father bought my ex's story). As I am doing research for my upcoming novel I thought I'd take a minute and offer a brief background on the signs and causes of female spousal abuse as quoted from a Harvard University study in 2006:
"Abuse and violence are behaviors chosen by a woman to cause physical, sexual, or emotional damage and worry or fear. Women who behave this way are often promiscuous, selfish, and narcissistic. Such a woman uses her moods, rage, and impulses to control the people around her and she is not satisfied until they have noticed her. These women choose deceit, fury, and assault to get their own way and then revels in the addicting exhilarating emotional unrest they create. Others, more insidiously, present a personable public image to conceal their true character and behavior.
These women lie, connive, and extort. To insult and humiliate their partner, some argue and use offensive language in the presence of others including their children. Many steal or destroy their partner's possessions. These women are driven by jealousy and view others as rivals. They treat their partners as possessions and strive to isolate them from friends and family.
Many abusive women falsely accuse their partners of infidelity while they have affairs. These women often abuse children or animals. Nearly all exhibit erratic mood changes, feign illnesses or injuries, and most are practiced actresses. They are not sick; they play the triple roles of a terrorist, a tyrant, and a victim.
At some point, she will falsely accuse her husband or partner of a crime. False allegations of child abuse continue to be a common feature in divorce proceedings and the courts ignore the problem. Now, the domestic violence accusation has become the woman's weapon of choice. Apart from the monetary and property gains, domestic violence is so easy to fabricate and these women crave the pleasure that comes from destroying their husband or partner.
Persons who have experienced an abusive relationship often experience fear or shame or bewilderment. They have tried everything and nothing works. These people have found themselves not knowing what will happen next, riding on an emotional roller coaster that they cannot escape. Most are sad, depressed, humiliated, and just plain exhausted. Many have lost everything they had in the world and are worried about their future. However, these women have no limits. Their outrageous behavior escalates to unbelievable levels and so, no one believes the victim.
Once your wife or companion has chosen abuse or violence, end the relationship promptly and irrevocably. U.S. and British studies support this view. Domestic battery, theft, and destruction of property are private and civil wrongs. The victim can sue for damages. Get a restraining order now and change the locks, sue in civil court now and, when the assailant is your spouse, file for divorce now.
When faced with the breakup of a relationship, especially a marriage, some women become vindictive, and abusive women become very dangerous. When others (friends, relatives, police, attorneys, and judges) believe her, they join in, and the frustrated husband or partner finds himself a victim of undeserved hatred, defamation, and abuse.
The other dangers are that some women kill their partner, or the partner's new companion, or the children, or the relatives, or stage unsuccessful suicides. Sometimes, women fake or inflict injuries on themselves, or use an accomplice, a relative or new lover, to frame her husband or partner. The most common behaviors are pressing false criminal charges, stealing or destroying property, snatching children, and engaging in bad faith litigation.
In divorce, husbands must treat their abusive wives with steeled resolve and the courts must understand this. These women cannot see and reason beyond themselves, so negotiation is impossible. Mediation is pointless. Unfortunately, the legal process regarding divorce requires negotiation and mediation providing yet another way for these women to abuse their husbands. Husbands must not accept telephone calls, conversation, visitations, reconciliation, or appeasements from these abusive wives for this only bolsters their belief that they remain in control of their husbands. The court must realize that these women have no limits and derive pleasure from destroying their husbands. Only unswerving firmness of purpose shows these women that their power has ended."
Wow, so much of this rings so true that I would have thought they were discussing my life. Hard to acknowledge that you've been abused I know, but the healing cannot begin until you come to grips with reality. I'd love to hear your stories so please post them here.